The BPM Project Bible

In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth.
And God said, Let there be light: and there was light.
And God saw the light, that it was good: and God divided the light from the darkness.
And God called the light Day, and the darkness he called Night. And the evening and the morning were the first day.

“Not bad for my first day”, said God.
I love it when a plan comes together!

The next couple of days God was busy creating the skies, earth and seas.
I’m quite enjoying this, and I’m a bit ahead of schedule..

What in heaven are you doing? cried the Project Manger Angel (PMA).
Where are the birds and sea creatures that were planned for yesterday.
I had to create the seas first, said God. I’ll create them tomorrow. It will be better.
Don’t tell me what’s better. Stick to the schedule! How can I run a project when you never stick to the schedule!
Don’t worry, said God. I’ll get it done in 10 days.
“Seven days” shouted the PMA angrily. You’ve got only seven days! After that you’ve been allocated to another project!.

The Business Analyst Angel (BAA) was called in.
We need your help with the requirements gathering, they said.
Not a problem said the BAA. How much time do I have to gather them?
He’s already on day 3 of the project, said the PMA.
What?! How can I gather the requirements when you’ve already started the project?.
How come I always get called in after the project has started?!?, grumbled the BAA. You don’t take my job seriously!

Look, said God. I already know the requirements. I just need them documented.
Ohh, now I’ve become the technical writer, have I?, mumbled the BAA
Ok, said God. I should have called you in earlier. You’re right. My bad…
How about writing best practices for the end user? Something along the line of You shall not kill, you shall not steal..
Those are business rules, not best practices, said the BAA

I think we should schedule a meeting to discuss the the big picture, intervened the Enterprise Architect Angel (EAA). We will then be able to schedule additional meetings to make decisions on any required changes of any decision that we decide to decide.
If we move quickly, we might be able to finalize decisions in about 3-6 months.
Wait a sec, said God. I’m nearly finished. Any changes I’m leaving for phase two.

That’s what you said when you created Mars, roared the Chief Technology Angel.
I’m now stuck with different sized planets that rotate around the sun unsynced. They don’t even integrate!

Right!, said God. Let’s just call it a presale exercise. You know, smoke and mirrors. Give it a license for 2000 years and let’s try to sell it.
What! How do expect me to sell an unfinished world!? cried the Sales Angel.
Who would want to buy a world solution that can’t be hosted?

On the adjacent cloud, Heaven’s IT manager was bickering with the head of business.
“IT should lead the project”, “No, Business should” , “No, IT should” ….

Down below in Hell’s boardroom, the devil was laughing.
I love BPM projects said the devil.
They make my work so much easier.

Amen…