Posted by: Adam Deane | 17/01/2011

BPM: Hansel and Gretel

BPM WitchHansel and Gretel walked through the dark and scary BPM forest when suddenly they met a witch.
“Hello witch” said Hansel.
“I’m not a witch” said the witch, “I’m an account manager”
“What’s the difference?” asked Hansel.
“I am the liaison between the company and the customer.
A witch just needs to fail once. A successful account manager is one that goes from failure to failure without a loss of enthusiasm.
I try to upsale to the customer as well.”
“I still think it’s better to be a witch” remarked Gretel

“Come into my BPM candy house, come on in and take a look” invited the witch.
Hansel admired the beautiful look and feel of the BPM house. It was shiny and colourful, with exciting bells and whistles.
Gretel loved the magic feel of it. It would definitely make life easier.

“It will save you money, it will make you more efficient. It even has automatic breadcrumbs that will lead you out of the black forest.” explained the witch.
Hansel and Gretel were enchanted by the fancy features.
“Automatic breadcrumbs” said Hansel to Gretel. That should sort us out…

“Do you live in the candy house?”, asked Hansel. “Do you use it yourself.”
“Well… I, personally, don’t use it” replied the witch. “It’s a lovely BPM candy house, but I’ve got rotting teeth. If my teeth were better I’d use it also.”

“Can we test it out” asked Gretel.. “You know, maybe a pilot run?” “No need” said the witch. “It works like a dream. I’ve got thousands of happy customer references. Trust me.. I wouldn’t be offering it to you if I didn’t believe it’s a perfect fit.”

“We are in this together” explained the witch.
My motto is the famous Latin phrase “Tibi gratias agimus quod nihil fumas
which means “for us to succeed, it has to be us that do it together”

Months later Hansel and Gretal were plump and ripe.
They had processes that ran processes and sub-processes that ran other processes… but the company was still not seeing any real value from it.
“Witch Witch!! you work with the devil” cried Hansel and Gretel together.
“No I’m don’t” said the witch quietly, “I just work in sales”

“I thought we were a team”, cried Hansel. You said that that it was for ‘us‘.
“There is no ‘us’ in teamwork”, replied the witch “but there is one in bonus”


  1. A good laugh again but on second thoughts it’s rather scary like most fairy tales when you get to their bottom.

  2. […] Sales Operations It’s easy to be cynical when writing about sales guys. The stretching of the truth, the over promising, and the race after sales targets make them the […]

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