Posted by: Adam Deane | 13/06/2011

Mr Consultant

Mr MenIt was a sunny day. Mr Happy was walking to the office with Little Miss Giggles.
What a nice day, said Mister Happy. I’m sure I’ll get a lot done today.
Little Miss Giggles hopped, skipped and giggled. She too liked going to the office.

At the office they met with their team members: Mr Messy, Mr Forgetful and Mr Nosey.
Mr Nosey was very excited. I hear that someone new is coming to the office today.
Everyone peeked out of the window. I wonder what he’s like, said Mr Happy.

It didn’t take long. A tall man with a square hat, white gloves and a suitcase appeared at the door. Knock Knock, said the man. Can I come in?

Certainly said everyone together. But who are you?
I’m Mr Consultant answered the man, taking off his hat and gloves.
What do you do? Asked Mr Nosey
I’m a consultant, replied Mr Consultant. I consult people. I provide expert advice and professional advice to companies that need consulting.

Oooh! that sounds exciting said Little Miss Giggles. What does a consultant do?
Consultants like to solve problems, answered Mr Consultant. And if there are no problems handily available, we like to create new problems for us to solve.

I’ve never met a consultant before, said Mr Forgetful scratching his head. But it sounds like an important job.

I couldn’t fail to disagree with you less! replied Mr Consultant. If you give a man a fish he will eat for a day. But if you teach a man to fish he will buy an ugly hat. And if you talk about fish to a starving man then you are a consultant.

Do all consultants talk that funny? asked Little Miss Giggles.
There is a wide variety of opinions on consultants, replied Mr Consultant. Some people hate them, and some people hate them a lot.

What is your biggest asset, asked Mr Nosey puzzled.
We know how to talk, and we have an answer for everything he said with a smile

Mr Happy decided to test out the theory.
Why did the chicken cross the street, he asked.

Mr Consultant thought for a second and then answered:
Deregulation of the chicken’s side of the road was threatening its dominant market position. The chicken was faced with significant challenges to create and develop the competencies required for the newly competitive market. I, in a partnering relationship with the client, helped the chicken by rethinking its physical distribution strategy and implementation processes. Using the Poultry Integration Model (PIM), I helped the chicken use its skills, methodologies, knowledge, capital and experiences to align the chicken’s people, processes and technology in support of its overall strategy within a Program Management framework. I convened a diverse cross-spectrum of road analysts and best chickens along with my deep skills in the transportation industry to engage in a two-day itinerary of meetings in order to leverage their personal knowledge capital, both tacit and explicit, and to enable them to synergize with each other in order to achieve the implicit goals of delivering and successfully architecting and implementing an enterprise-wide value framework across the continuum of poultry cross-median processes. The meeting was held in a park-like setting, enabling and creating an impactful environment which was strategically based, industry-focused, and built upon a consistent, clear, and unified market message and aligned with the chicken’s mission, vision, and core values. This was conducive towards the creation of a total business integration solution. I helped the chicken change to become more successful.

Mr Happy looked at Little Miss Giggles, Little Miss Giggles looked at Mr Nosey. Together with Mr Messy and Mr Forgetful they knew what they needed to do.
Each of them picked up a big stick and surrounded Mr Consultant…


Responses

  1. con + insult :p

  2. Adam, couldn’t agree more. Here a post from 2008: Consutling or Insulting? http://wp.me/pd9ls-16

  3. I think you must have just been to a BPM conference – where consultants gather to tell each other how to say thing better (well at least they think that).

  4. we could write a similar spoof about mr. software developer, mr. marketer, mr. CEO, mr. CTO, mr. analyst, ad infinitum… the worst stereotypes of each job function are… unflattering 🙂


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